Monday, January 14, 2013

I should annoy myself

Watching the Golden Globes tonight was surprisingly exhilarating for me. It's not like I had much of as stake in the winners. I wasn't betting on who would take home the trophies. I haven't even seen most of the movies (yet), though I plan to before Oscar season.

Yet considering it was a silly awards ceremony - and I do admit that celebrations like that are really more about seeing celebrities than experiencing the actual wonder that is Hollywood and cinema - I was unusually hyper and intrigued. I wanted to root for actors and creative types and films themselves in various categories. I wanted to be part of everything.

I ended up watching the first half of the ceremony, however, with a group of people I didn't know. This wasn't like my old dorm where a set of really interested folks would gather around a big screen television to find out who won the golden statues. It was an accidental walk-in to a group of girls who were loud and opinionated, and particularly unafraid of sharing those opinions unabashedly.

I should probably say that I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying the company of your friends in private and during that time being raucous. If that's part of your routine, that's fine.

But sitting in that group of girls made me realize how terrible, in fact, it is to be on the outside looking into a hangout session like that.

It's true that I'm not exemplary of the opposite method of socializing. I'm in no way quiet or calm when I'm hanging out with people I feel comfortable around. In fact, I can be quite obnoxious. I'm loud and opinionated (like the girls I sat with today), and I have fewer inhibitions and much less effective filter on my words. It's just something that happens when I enter that state of friendliness.

When I'm being that way, I sometimes fail to notice how utterly outrageous I'm being.

When there are other people being that way, I become so disenchanted that I need to go crawl in a corner and think about life and loneliness for a while.

It's the same way with inside jokes and other things that constitute a typical friendship. When you're the one partaking in the insanity, it's normal and even fun. But when you're forced to watch other people partake in various forms of merriment, you have to constantly contain the desire to tell them to look at themselves for a second and consider the people around them.

I never do that when I'm on their end. What gives me any right to pass the judgment?

I wish I knew why it is so fun to be crazy with friends. By that I don't mean going out to party and drink. Instead, I'm referencing an activity style that centers more around personal interactions and wackiness within a smaller social circle.

Maybe not everyone has had that sort of relationship within their peer group, but for me it is indicative of my friendships. Some of my stories are too embarrassing to tell, considering how ridiculously they reflect on myself and my friends.

Do I have to change, though?

Tonight I kept thinking how much I wanted to leave that room. Though the girls were accommodating and allowed us (Dana and me) to sit with them while they watched the Golden Globes, the way they watched was inconsiderate. I almost got to the point of telling them to be quiet so I could hear more of the acceptance speeches.

I realized then that I've many times been on the opposite side of that coin. With friends both at school and at home, I tend to let loose fairly easily. When I let loose, I don't quiet down and I don't mince words. It doesn't feel like a problem, but maybe it is.

That being said, I don't want to nor do I plan to change.

Recognizing the problem is the first step though. And I do realize that a problem of mine is resenting the same activities that I partake in myself.

I don't know that I'll ever be able to beat the filterlessness out of me when I'm in a state of comfort around friends. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing. One thing I know, though, is that it is most assuredly a way to have fun..

Which is why I didn't say anything to the girls who let us watch the Golden Globes with them. And why I figure the only power I have is to instigate change in my own life, but not the lives of others.

Then how do I make a change in my actions without changing my personality? Unfortunately, I doubt I'll ever find out.

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