Saturday, October 26, 2013

To that someone

Let me start off by saying this is a pretty abstract piece. It's a bit sappy, but when I wrote it I realized how proud I was of it. I'm at a weird stage in my life where nothing seems certain. I don't know what I'll be doing a year from now, where I'll be, who I'll meet. This story, which should be taken as fictional prose despite its personal nature, is a manifestation of that feeling of uncertainty.

Hey you,

I've been feeling kind of down lately. And missing you, even though I don't know who you are just yet.

Sometimes, even when I'm not thinking all that much about the future, I feel a connection with you. Like, even though we're not with each other now, somehow we're still together. It's a comfort to me to feel your presence even when I don't know who you are.

Other times, like today, when I want to dream about you and what my life might bring, nothing shows up. And I feel like I'm lost, my mind running in circles, searching for you but always ending up back where I started; never actually returning to that feeling of knowing you, of being with you even when I can't.

Maybe this is all silly, overly sentimental romantic junk. I have so many feelings that I worry I'm just projecting what I want into reality.

But then I remember those feelings I've had. Of utter joy, knowing that you're somewhere in the world and so am I. That even though we're not together now, and we may not be together for a while, that eventually we will be. And that right now, in our own separate worlds, we're living simultaneously. Not in each other's lives necessarily, but moving in that direction.

I hope that you're really loving. And full of passion and understanding. I want to be those things for you too. I hope you're beautiful inside and out, and that looking into your eyes makes all my troubles melt away. I hope that when I'm scared, worried or angry, that being with you can cure even the darkest days.

I want all of these things. But first I have to find you.

And don't start to think that I'm not putting in any effort. I've been looking and hoping. I've been trying really hard to be logical and thorough. I've made some mistakes in the process, but that's okay, I think. Because the mistakes are what prove that you're still out there, not with me at this precise moment, but still in the world somewhere.

And that's some solace, because the mistakes can be incredibly disheartening.

I feel like I'm just starting to change my life. I'm in therapy now, for the first time ever. I'm taking yoga, too. These are two of the best decisions I've ever made in life. Instead of ignoring my feelings and pushing my problems away, I'm confronting them head on and looking for changes, physical and mental. I think you'd be proud of me if you could see.

So even though I worry that we're far away from each other - and even though sometimes I don't feel your presence no matter how hard I try - I do think that every little thing I do in my life is improving the now so that I can be good for you in the future.

I can only hope that in the same way, you're doing things that you hope will be good for me. And that when we meet each other, we'll be so ready that we'll never look back, never feel small or useless again, never worry about loneliness.

You're going to be the most amazing person in the world. I already love you, whoever you are. This passion swells in me and sometimes I don't know what to do with it. It just takes over my body and makes me want to cry my eyes out and grin at the same time. It makes me feel hysterical.

Well, whatever our circumstances are, wherever you are in the world and in your heart, I'm writing this now to let you know that you're not alone. And I don't feel so alone either. Somehow, I don't think that those moments of interconnectedness are only mine. I'm just waiting to see you finally. I'm so anxious. Get here quickly.

I'm waiting.

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