Monday, November 4, 2013

Meeting me again

It's been a while, Mr. Bloggy McBloggerson.

And by that I mean it's been roughly a week. So it hasn't actually been that long. But seeing as the last several days of my life have been more for classwork than personal fulfillment, I figured it was time to do something for myself for a change. You're for me. Just for me.

I'm feeling pretty happy at this very moment. Which is really strange, actually. Today wasn't all that difficult in the grand scheme of things, but I wouldn't hasten to say it was stress-free either. There is so much work due in so little time, as many of my fellow students can empathize. It can feel like we're hamsters on wheels, running and running with no perceivable end to the madness. The classes, homework, projects, exams...they just keep going and going.

For this reason, I'm pretty darn confounded by my own positivity. I've been lounging most of the evening because I didn't have the enthusiasm to do anything worthwhile. But then I made a snap decision that kind of hurt my own feelings and perked me up at the same time. So things are looking up.

That being said, when I take a broader view I'm much much more afraid.

Yet I can't help but think that any time I devote to fear is a moment wasted. The next chapter in my life will come no matter what I do, and while I can affect change in it - worrying about something that is partially out of my hands will only drive me mad. Part of my future is what I choose to do, but the other part is what opportunities are open to me.

So maybe this positivity is a product of that final resolution that just because I'm not fully in control doesn't mean I need fret over the things I can't do anything about. It's like that prayer, which I will link to rather than stating to avoid overt cheesiness.

Or maybe it's that for the first time I actually feel sort of in control of my feelings. That's a bit of a strange explanation, but in a way it feels like up until now some impenetrable force has been lording over me. And now, for once, I'm pushing that force away.

I'm just a month away from returning home for winter break. I'm really close to graduating from college entirely. I'm so close to life. And I'm probably more insecure than ever before. But I also feel stronger. Because I don't think I've ever had to try as hard as I do now.

In high school I was so motivated. I was compelled to do my work and to do it well. I was hopeful to maintain good relationships with friends and family. I was eager to please.

I'm not that way anymore. Apathy has set in. Maybe it's senioritis, maybe it's just life. Whatever the case, when you're seeing the world with a nihilist's perspective, everything gets ten times harder. Even waking up in the morning can feel like being dragged out of bed by a figurative ball and chain. But making the choice to get up and do things - that's the proof that I'm still alive and I still have a purpose. Trying hard used to give me angst, but now it's an exercise in perseverance and strength.

So the fact that I'm happy is actually an enormously huge deal. Because I've had to work really hard to - even for a few minutes this evening - feel truly positive. Plenty of people are just slaves to their feelings and whims, and I've been one too, but that's changing slightly every day.

That's why I'm taking this as a good sign for the next few weeks, months and years. If I can be happy, even for just a moment, again. If I can stop letting the actions of others dictate how I am feeling. Well, maybe I'm on my way to actually being me again. I haven't been able to fully be me for a while, so I'm looking forward to meeting her again.

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