Sunday, October 13, 2013

How I feel before letting it all out

This is an important day.

I think it was meant to go this way. This day of stressful living started and ended much in the way most days do. But it made some weird moves in the middle, twisted and turned until my body was trapped in an eternal state of unraveling.

So I'm ready to start the next chapter. And tomorrow I'm going to try really hard to do that. I've been looking forward to it for a while now. Without the benefit of companionship that I've had the past two weekends, I'm looking toward days and days of responsibility and hard work. They will be full of tension and I know I'll reach my wit's end.

I've been nearly at the breaking point for a while. The straw broke the camel's back a while ago. I had to let go of stability and open myself up to possibility. But that's not really an option when I'm stuck and I'm waiting for tomorrow, waiting for the next step in a process that seems neverending. There's no end, no solution in sight, but I keep barreling toward it - whatever it is.

As tomorrow begins, I will see how another type of person lives. I've tried for a long time never to be this person. Change scares me, I'm afraid to embrace new experiences because it means putting away a part of my past. Or it feels that way, anyway. And giving away a part of myself to embrace a new person is daunting, but it's beautiful too.

There's tension in my back. I've attributed it to bad posture, to sitting inappropriately as I browse through the infinite web of information on the screen in front of me. But it's more than that. It's like the weight of the world. I am Atlas. I feel too aware of what's going on around me and it overwhelms me with thought. Sometimes sadness, too, but I try to push that feeling away.

This entry is one I'd like to treat as poetry. I know what I'm doing tomorrow. I know what I did today. You don't know, however, or it's likely you don't. And that's okay.

Because what is important to see is that it isn't the activity or the details that make the experience, that incite the change. We choose to be who we are each day, to alter our course or to remain in the place that we've been. What we do is not as important as the decision to do something.

I'm doing something.

I'm letting it all out. I hope I have more hopeful and positive things to say once I've gone through with it.

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