Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Implications, a poem

Lately I've felt at a loss for what to write. Maybe it's because I'm feeling under the weather or maybe it's because I've just run out of good ideas. But today, I've decided to share (another) poem with the world since the only good writing material I have available to share is something I wrote a long time ago. Apparently I've lost all of my ability to write well along with my health, but at least I have written well in the past.

Unlike the previous poem I posted, this is one about love. And not about the pain of love, but about think I felt love and being afraid to express it.

I've never been in love, however I've definitely been under the delusion of being in love. There have been times in my life where I've almost risked telling people I've loved them simply because I didn't know what the word meant.

Sometimes I share my words all too freely. It makes sense, after all I write a blog every day and they are generally relatively lengthy.

But unlike a blog, which often just involves spewing your feelings onto paper, saying that you love someone involves trapping them as much as you trap yourself. You end up bringing expectations to the table, and putting yourself and the other person in a difficult situation where feelings have to be questioned.

I think in the beginning of my first relationship - and the whole experience basically consisted of a beginning since it never got past the first couple of weeks - I thought I was ready to tell him I loved him. I got so caught up in the feelings I had that the word almost burst from my lips.

And I don't think I understood what kind of ramifications a word like that could have.

That being said, this poem was not written for him. In fact, it was written years before him at a time when I definitely had no idea what love was (not that I do now either). I think some of my best poetry has been written out of somewhere imaginary. Just like poems can bear your soul, they can also help you create fiction that feels real.

Poetry is inherently emotional and even when it's not based in personal fact, it still resonates.

This poem, upon looking at it again, resonated with me in relation to my first relationship. Not because it was representative of the exact feelings I felt with my first boyfriend, but because it reminded me of the strength of my feelings as well as the confusion I felt.

The whole poem is about the jumbled emotions when considering whether or not you are actually in love. And, at least as of now, I don't know if I will ever be able to bring any clarity to this question. But at least I can provide some art with which anyone can commiserate. Because I'm sure many of us have found ourselves feeling what we think is love, but not being sure. And then almost risking declaring our emotions when we can never quite know how real they are.


I don't believe in telling
Words do not truth bear
Yet now I'm often dwelling
On how honestly I do care

Implications are my mind's expression
To say, but not to speak
When love is no longer a confession
It's far easier for the meek

For this I must explain to you
But hide it in a song
That you at last might see who
Does, in my heart, no wrong

I love but cannot state
By the fear that love's too much
While passion may be fate
To me it doesn't sound such

But in wanting to be frank
And trying to be true
At risk my heart will have later sank
I believe that I love you

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