Je Suis Charlie: In the wake of tragedy

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It seems to me that when we as a society are at our most vulnerable, we are also at our best.

Yesterday, people all around the world gathered as one to commemorate the innocents who lost their lives to a terrifying act that would be far better off as a work of fiction. Those who died in the wake of the shooting at the office of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical newspaper, did not deserve the fate they met.

Many honored in their own fashion, and I'd like to share some thoughts as well. While I may not have the artistic talent to create such poignant and beautiful creations as the cartoonists and artists who paid tribute to the victims of January 7, 2015, I hope to do the topic some justice.

This has been a terrifying day not only for those directly affected or for the Parisian people, but for anyone who believes in the public's right to a free press and the personal right to free speech.

In America, these freedoms are points of immense pride. But this is an emotion held throughout the world as a principle of humanity. If we are to live fulfilled lives, we deserve certain rights - chief among them the right to expression.

Today, our universal right of free speech was challenged. Extremists have suggested that no matter what our laws or our civil society guarantee us, our safety is not guaranteed. It's a haunting thought.

Even those who take issue against the editorial choices of Charlie Hebdo cannot deny humanity's innate right to expression. As controversial as the publication may be, no one should be put in the literal line of fire for doing their job. These were not soldiers who died today, they were civilians. They never chose to sacrifice themselves. They made daring choices as writers and artists, but with no intention of becoming martyrs.

They had no choice to speak for themselves in the end, but we do.

As we all come together, in-person and in widespread digital communities, we should translate our mourning into something greater. This attack was one on both our fellow man and ourselves. It's a reminder that as safe as we may feel, we are never quite safe enough.

By saying "Je Suis Charlie" (or "I am Charlie"), we acknowledge that like the writers, editors and cartoonists of Charlie Hebdo, we too maintain the right to freedom of expression. And no matter who threatens us, there is power in numbers, and we will not be silenced.

A collection of resolutions

Anthony Quintano / Flickr

Goodbye, This Year. Hello, New Year.

Unlike most people, I've never been one to make a New Year's Resolution. Partly out of laziness, but also because I've never understood why the dawn of a New Year was the prime time to make big changes.

My biggest life changes, from deciding where I wanted to go to college to becoming a full-fledged vegetarian, came about not because I'd been imbued with resolve by a holiday, but because I felt ready to make a choice and then pursued it.

However, this year I feel is a pretty big turning point. I've done a lot of guesswork in the past 365 days, gone through a lot of change and really had to figure out what it is I want out of life. What I choose now will determine what my life looks like down the road, and I want to do everything in my power to send myself down a smooth path.

So, without further ado, here is the collection of resolutions for my 2015:

1. Combat the sticks and stones.

When I reference this "smooth path," I make the mistake of assuming that any path of life can be without its rough patches. 2014 has been a year I'd characterize more by struggle than by growth, and I'd like to turn that around in 2015. Rather than trip over the sticks and stones that inevitably fall along my path, I'd like to learn to react and recover from them with ease.

Instead of being the person who wallows in her own misery, I'd like to be the one who laughs in the face of adversity. Those moments spent focused on self-pity are moments wasted. The moments spent fixing a bad situation lead to better and better experiences.

2. Think less about what other people think.

While the saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," that doesn't spell truth for everyone. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've been told I need to develop a "thicker skin" in response to people's words. Even that comment has become an emotional pain in my side.

If I'm ever going to grow as a person, I need to learn to accept criticism, and to recognize the difference between that which is constructive and that which is insensitive. Once that distinction is made, there's no longer a need to hide from the criticism anymore. You take the constructive and let it strengthen you, and you brush off the insensitive. Simple.

3. Read one book a month.

The idea here is that I'd like to become more creative, more thoughtful and more receptive to new concepts. While I may equate that with reading one book a month, my slow reading pace may limit me, and I give myself leeway to miss my quota.

When reading a new book each month isn't an option, there are alternatives. I can start a new project - for instance, I've wanted to start illustrating for a long time - or I can learn about a new subject, which could be as simple as watching a documentary.

I'll endeavor to report back on my findings on my blog to keep track of my progress and hold myself accountable.

4. Continue writing every day.

While I've gone back and forth on whether or not I'd like to blog every day for another year, I do believe that writing each and every day is an activity I can maintain confidently. In addition to a short daily journal entry, I'd like to spend at least a few minutes each day writing something creative - whether that be a non-fiction personal essay, a fictional story or a poem.

This, in addition to learning something new each month by way of reading or watching or doing will hopefully make more well-rounded in the long term.

5. Go outside.

Being home in Southern California where the weather is constantly sunny and hot, my Elsa-like "cold never bothered me anyway" personality has turned me into quite the shut-in. But even if it's just for a short time, I'd like to promise myself to take a moment to walk and collect my thoughts and feelings every day.

Some people have very meaningful thoughts in the shower, but I think my mind achieves the greatest clarity on a good long walk. Or maybe a run, if the weather is fitting.

With these five resolutions, I'll be working toward vastly improving my way of life. In doing so, I expect not only to become a better writer, creator and learner, but a better person. And as a better person, I believe I could learn to become an even better friend, which is really the ultimate resolution.

The grand illusion

Has anyone ever told you that "[insert something here] will come true" or "You will [insert another thing here] if that's what you really want"?

In times of personal upheaval, I feel I hear these words of encouragement more than ever. Whether it's because I search for meaning and ask for the help of others, or they sense my pain on their own - the feedback usually sounds the same. But when I stop, look at myself and hear the words that are being spoken to me, I have trouble fully trusting.

As much as we, as humans, put our faith into what's beyond ourselves - the soul, supreme being(s), love - sometimes seeing really is believing. And when the universe inexplicably becomes indifferent to you one day, making sense of what you cannot see becomes so much harder.

Since I was a young kid, I was all about dreaming. When I wasn't caught lost in my own thoughts during class time, I was working toward my aspirations or writing in journals about them.

But dreams versus reality is a premise that is foreign to no one. We all partake in the wishful thinking that pushes us to great heights and sometimes even greater depths.

Then we have our friends who pick us up by saying "things will only get better" or "I believe in you."

Is this the grand illusion of life? That we are capable of whatever we set our minds to because that idea has been reinforced within us over and over and over again?

These days, I wish I had the answer. Yet the very root of the problem is that I have no answers - and neither does anyone else. However, living in perpetual fear of disappointment is not an option. And neither is gallivanting through each day without a worry or care.

Success is created by the mixture of trust in oneself and fear of one's failure. And without both, we would seldom accomplish anything.

So while the illusion of our inevitable success is just a fantasy, the little pushes we get from the people who care about us are not rendered any less valuable. We need them, just as we need ourselves to occasionally bring back the perspective.

Confidence and cameras

Before the age of 11, I had very little fear of the spotlight. I used to dance and sing in video recordings, show off my best model poses for the occasional disposable camera. I'd gaze directly into the lens as if it was a dear friend, possessing confidence, poise and mostly a lack of self-consciousness.

That changed quickly when I hit middle school - I grew my hair long and I bought my first digital camera. From then on I wanted to be behind the lens or away from it entirely. I had no interest in the spotlight, no interest in documenting myself. If anything, I wanted to sleep away the years and wake up in a different time and place.

One day, when I was around 13 years old or so, my sister and I went to a local drugstore. While the details of our visit are cloudy and under-formed, what I remember was the moment at checkout when the guy behind the counter asked me why I was hiding my face. Until that point in my life, I didn't realize that my long flowing black hair was unintentionally turning into a personal shield from the outside world.

In time I grew out of this. While I maintained my long hair, I no longer found myself hiding behind it so much. I still didn't go out of my way to be seen, but instead of actively avoiding it I took it in stride.

Which is why, as of last year, I started to attempt vlogging for the first time.

Vlogging, a word that is clear to some but unbeknownst to others, is a combination of two other words: video + blogging. The word "video" should be self-explanatory. And I assume "blogging" is also clear as you are currently reading a blog right now.

Putting myself in front of a camera and uploading what I made to YouTube involved a tremendous break from my comfort zone. I chose, in doing so, to revert back to my childhood innocence. Instead of being hyper-aware of my faults, I let them go. I tried to ignore my concerns over how people would perceive me physically and intellectually.

And in doing so, I felt better as a person.

It's funny to me how by placing myself in the position of being judged by others, I felt relinquished of the anxiety of their judgment.

Though my productivity has wavered since I made that first video, I fully intend to keep on going with vlogging and to get myself comfortable in front of a camera again. Because while I enjoy being behind the camera very much, in the game of life it's not always beneficial to hide.

If you're interested, here's my first ever vlog (from 2013):

Filler and fluff

In 2012, soon after I'd started writing The Songs of Spring, I decided I wanted to contribute to my then brand new blog on a daily basis. It was a scary idea, and it no doubt took its toll on the busiest of days. But looking back, I am proud of the hours spent committed to the art of writing. Even if this blog took me into the wee hours of the morning some days and often forced me to fight to stay awake while my eyes closed and my brain started to gently dream, it was still all worth it.

But back then (in 2012), there were aspects of my life that made it easier to write every day. I embarked on a study abroad trip to London for three months out of the year. In the other nine months, I was at university in the states and then an intern at a major TV studio.

My life felt a lot more interesting two years ago than it does right this very moment. In my eyes, at least.

Back then this meant if I needed to take a break to write about nothing for a night, I had the option. Because in 2012, even nothing was something.

Nowadays, things in life aren't so smooth and clear. A day in the life is hazier, and I sometimes don't want to share all my innermost thoughts, nor the detailed goings-on of my day to day existence.

Yet to be able to write in a blog on a daily basis, sometimes you have to be able to provide filler. Whether that be a sub-standard journal-type entry or, like I did many times - a photo compilation.

Just like in life, being a consistent writer is about powering through the good and the bad. Some moments will be high points, others lows. If you're going to improve in a craft, you have to take everything in stride. If you're going to live a happy life, you have to be at peace with both the great days and the less than exciting ones.

It's inevitable, as we live out our lives numbered by dates on a calendar, that some of those days will disappoint us. Some will simply not be worth sharing. But finding meaning in the mundane is part of being a writer and part of being a human being.

I've found in my life that the better I get at accepting moments of quiet desperation, the greater my ability to enjoy the good becomes. It's the dwelling on boredom that sparks the existentialist questions - and even though the mind wants those issues to be answered, the heart benefits more from moments of acceptance.

So I accept that this blog isn't my best. I may never even read it again. I may forget what it says by tomorrow afternoon. But just because it's simple doesn't mean it hasn't contributed to the ultimate goal - which in this case is writing a daily blog, but also being genuinely happy even in the most uninspired moments.