Sunday, February 10, 2013

Thank you note

I've had tremendous writer's block for the last few hours. I've started and stopped writing this blog at least a dozen times now, constructing several paragraphs of a story and then completely giving up on it, then starting from scratch again. Repeat. Fail. Repeat. Fail.

I could never come up with a worthy premise. Everything seemed melodramatic, tired, uninteresting, some topics I even found emotionally difficult to write about. I've been pushing myself so hard and not giving any leeway, not giving myself time to even contemplate what it is I want to say. It's made every writing effort come out as bitter, when at the moment I don't think I'm bitter. In fact, bitter is the furthest emotion from my current state of mind.

Because right now, at this point in my life and at this particular stage in my healing process, I'm only one thing. I'm thankful.

So I'd like to write about who I'm thankful for. If anything needs expressing right now, it's positivity. I haven't had enough of it in my life lately.

My Grandma

The other day, I called up my grandma like I would under normal circumstances. We exchanged pleasantries, we began our phone conversation. I knew I didn't have much time to talk, but after being devastated emotionally, I felt compelled to turn to her.

We started talking and I revealed to her that I was broken-hearted. And she consoled me. And through the tears on my side of the phone call, listening to her story I felt so much love and compassion for and from her. I loved that even in a short telephone conversation, I was able to connect with her so strongly. It warmed my heart in a way it had never been before.

My Dad

I've never had as stalwart a presence in my life as I have in my father. He may be kooky at times, insufferable on occasion with his silliness and penchant for going off-topic, but in times of need he is always there and he is always on my side.

It's widely known that a parent will usually side with their children when they're being confronted by animosity, but even without prompting, without manipulation of facts, my dad is with me 100 percent. I can present the worst of myself to him and he provides me with love regardless. I've come to realize recently that I may be hard-pressed to find anyone in my life who will provide me with quite as much unconditional love as he does. But I'm grateful to have it at all.


Though I didn't come to her with any pleas for advice, in my moment of need I feel the support of my older sister. Throughout all of my romantic experiences, she's been there cheering me on, hopeful that I can find the kind of love that she shares with her husband Matt, my brother-in-law.

She sets an example for me in a way that no one else in my life ever could. She has, since the first day I met Matt - when I was still in a crib, presumably - shown me what a real, functional relationship looks like. And in a world where dysfunction is excessively prevalent, I'm thankful for the example.


My niece, however young and unaware she may be of the circumstances, has been the light of my days recently. After putting her picture up on my wardrobe door, I've had the pleasure of looking at her every day, reminding myself of how much love I am capable of feeling toward someone whom I am just starting to get to know. I am so blessed to have my beautiful niece and, in a few months, a handsome new nephew to remind me of all that is beautiful about life and love.


Maybe I shouldn't point out any specific friendships, especially because a lot of my friends have expressed support for me recently, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention how thankful I am to have been able to talk with Dana for the past few days.

I've been afraid to cry recently, fearing that a public display (or even a private display) of emotion signified weakness in me. But one afternoon sitting in a dining hall with Dana, I couldn't control my tears and I was met with understanding and acceptance. Sometimes that's all anyone needs.

All of my friends

You should never expect anyone to reach out to you when you're feeling hurt. In reality, it's no one's responsibility but your own to pick yourself up when you've fallen. But even in a few instances when I didn't say a word to a friend, I was met with foresight and kindness from people who cared about me and wanted to make sure I was doing well.

I'll admit I may not have been fully frank about the state of my emotions, but sometimes it's kind words alone that help the most.

The one who's hurting too

I wasn't sure that I should mention you today. I don't even know that you'll read this. You may never want to read anything I write ever again, I couldn't possibly know. But I want you to know that I am aware of your pain and thinking about you. I may be working through my own issues now, but I'm very cognizant of the circumstances and despite everything, I'm still thankful to have had you in my life.

Things didn't work out, and I'll admit I'm still in the process of dealing with my own confusion over it. But I know this was for the better, and I know that bottling things up even further would have only made things worse. I wish I had more foresight, I wish I could show you in some way that I have never and will never intentionally hurt you and I wish that you knew how much compassion I want to extend out to you. You may never read this, you may never know, but I wanted to share anyway.


This may seem strange, but I want to thank myself for having written a year of blogs. For recording my thoughts and for trying to work through my personal issues. Just reading back has been part of my healing process. I am not perfect, I'm well aware of that, but I'm always striving for happiness, compassion, success and fulfillment. That may not be enough for others, but it's all I can ask for of myself.

In the end, I just want to extend thanks to everyone and everything that has contributed to my process of growth. To every class I've wanted to skip to grieve instead, but gone to anyway. To every drop of rain or sleet or snow that's muddled my path, but reminded me of the peacefulness of nature. To every random person who's smiled at me without being aware of the effect of their actions. To all of you and to everything else, all the things that are shaping me in a period of my life when I believe I'm most receptive, most overwrought with thought.

I believe that several hours of writer's block have finally culminated in something good.

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