Sunday, March 25, 2012

Before you know it...

I've been pretending for the past few days that I'm not going back to school. I've left my bag unpacked and my room relatively uncleaned, subconsciously believing that I would not have to go if I could put on this charade of staying in California forever.

It's one of the worst feelings to have to prepare to go back to a ton of work. I've spent so much of my life avoiding it, after all. When I was in elementary school, if I had even the faintest stomach ache, I used to go to the office complaining that I was irreparably ill. The only comfort that could ever fix such terrible sickness would be the warmth and laziness of home. That's not exactly how I put it to the nurse, but I managed to make such convincing arguments that I was sent home nearly every time.

So my dad would pick me up from school a few hours early. I planned it so strategically that I would always be home by lunch, the perfect time to have my dad cook me up a pot of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

This went on for a couple of years.

After each "sick day," I would go back to school feeling happy and healthy (disregarding my disgusting and processed food choices), with relatively little make-up work to do. But going back to school now is a different matter. It's not that after this break I will have a ton of catch-up work to do. Instead I will have be starting over from scratch with an all new set of inescapable assignments to encounter.

I don't want that. Who would want that?

Sometimes, when I'm not in my right mind, I wonder why I even chose to go to college. If I could have finished it all up with my senior year of high school and gone on to work at some fast food restaurant or retail store, why would I want to subject myself to the same stress that I had for 12 years of my life prior to this? It seems illogical.

This thought always seems to come to mind at the end of breaks. After a week or two of not doing work, of lounging around in my pajamas and baking cookies, I can't even fathom how I handled three months of work and work and more work.

That's where I stand now.

At the dawn of a new quarter, all I can think of is "how the heck am I going to do it this time?" Then I remember how many times I've stunned myself in the past - starting off on a pessimistic note and ending up feeling pretty satisfied with how I handled my time at school. It's been this way as long as I can remember.

It's really scary to stand at the precipice and look down at what the next few months will hold. Some people face their fears and inhibitions head on, but I've always been one to cower back in the face of unwelcome circumstances. So it amazes me that I've gotten this far as a successful college student.

But somehow my system works. I've always finished my work, gotten reliably good grades, never faltered under pressure. And for the first time while writing this blog, I really have no explanation for it. Sometimes things just fall into place and make sense. Over-analyzing might actually make them less clear. I should just accept that the reason I have continued this far in my education is because I'm pretty okay at doing work, and my motivation for doing so is that I'm talented enough to succeed in it.

Yet, I'm still very sad to see my time at home come to a close - to watch my days, which I'd promised to dedicate to bettering myself (i.e. watching movies and eating baked goods), dwindle down to a measly several hours. 

If I were feeling particularly distraught, I might say the following:

Before I knew it, my spring break was ending. Two weeks passed in the blink of an eye (as they say) and I wish I could just keep my eyes open Clockwork Orange-style to prevent this from ever happening again.

Instead, though, I'm going to leave my spring break with a positive message:

Sad as it is to watch the simple and pleasant times of our lives be exchanged for difficult and effort-filled times, we should always keep in mind that no matter how weak we feel, we can conquer anything. It's not just an aphorism. If you try to prove it, you'll probably find yourself successful.

As will I this quarter in college.

So come at me, spring quarter. I'm ready. Somehow, some way things will work out just fine.

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