There are many times that I've worried about breaching privacy with this blog. I've refrained from using last names, for this reason. I also haven't said where I go to school. I haven't shared any extremely personal information about me or my loved ones, or even those I don't hold dear.
But somehow even trying your darnedest to make a personal text that serves not to hurt nor offend anyone isn't quite enough. And I guess I've learned my lesson now.
In the past couple of weeks I've heard from two people whom I care very deeply about that things that they've read on my blog have hurt them in some way. One was a very good friend from childhood and another was my grandmother.
For over 200 days, I've made this blog my daily writing journal - where I share my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I'm candid. Sometimes I perhaps say more than I should, or divulge information without explaining myself in quite enough detail. It is easy to glean an insult when there are gaps in the storytelling.
Since I only write several paragraphs a night, I don't expect that anyone could take away complete understanding of my feelings on any subject. Even the best novels have holes in their storytelling. You fill in the blanks according to how you perceive the text. I always thought this was a positive thing. I never thought it would allow the people who are most important to me to believe that I, in some way, don't appreciate or respect them.
Because, if anything, this blog is about telling myself and the people I love how much they mean to me. At the heart of all my writing is my soul, and it is thanks to the people I love that I have one to begin with.
With that said, I realize that sometimes I can be too frank and say too much. Sometimes, as hard as I try to explain the positive aspects of all situations, the stories themselves might seem insulting. But I'm being completely honest when I say that if I ever tell a story that shines poorly on someone, I always try to back it up by explaining what, alternatively, was good.
My belief is that every one of us, even myself, have faults and virtues. We make mistakes and we try to correct them. If we don't recognize the negative, then we never get to appreciate the positive.
Every day of my life has been made better by my grandma. Without her I wouldn't have gone to the wonderful university that I do. I wouldn't have gotten through my mom's passing half as well as I did. I wouldn't have learned a million different things that she's taught me throughout my life. I'd have lost a huge part of myself.
It pains me to think that with a little click of some keys on a keyboard, and some rash thinking and writing, I've hurt her feelings to the point of irreparable damage. Especially because the great majority of those clicks on the keyboard are in blog posts that aim to compliment and explain what great admiration I have for her.
This is true of most everyone I've ever written about on my blogs. If anyone in my life is worth writing about, then I always see more good in them than bad. If I take the time to think about someone twice, that is always because I hold them in some degree of respect.
There's no reason anyone should be offended by what I write here. If I do say something that is hurtful, it was never intentionally done. As a writer, I make observations. As a person, I have reactions. But I'm not vindictive, and I never do anything with the goal of putting someone through sadness. And if I do, I feel absolutely terrible about it.
I have a tremendous guilt complex, and I try to never let bad blood exist between me and anyone. The truth is that, even though I can be silly and frivolous with my words, deep down there are feelings that I want to express that perhaps don't come out as they should.
When the feelings get lost in the shuffle, then the words I do share can be misconstrued. But what I want everyone to know is that I never write to hurt, judge, insult or offend. I only write to share my thoughts, and hopefully to make sense of the world for myself. And if you have received this link through me, that is only because in my heart I really do care about you. If I didn't, you wouldn't read this at all.
I hope that makes sense. And I hope that you forgive me.
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